that song came on

really it never matters which one

you’re in all of them

you’re in every day

and then gunshot

and you’re dead again

Before death…

I never pleaded so much with it

to be life. To not be

the end.

Your end

the finality of it all

yet still

daily I grapple with grasping

at wishes

of life after death.

There’s never an answer

But I’m forever plagued

by the questions.

marriage #2… life

Skipping the poetry for now……..this is my life

You get married a second time, you hope it will work.  Yes, I said second, and it’s more like pray it will work.  Mostly for the kids sake.  I keep thinking about how damaged they must be at this point, with all of my failings as a mother and a wife.  Let alone what a second failed marriage would do to them.  Yet here I am.  My heads killing me from all the crying.  I know my daughter can hear me, and still I can’t seem to stop myself.  Sitting here staring at the screen, while I’m supposed to be working (from home of course).  Feels like everything is slipping away.

It’s that impossible intersection between ‘I don’t want to go on’ and…’I can’t NOT go on’ because I’m no quitter.  How do go on?  There’s a house, a mortgage and all that lovely stuff to deal with.  My kids, his child.  Mine isn’t the only heart to be broken by this failure.  And I am broken.

Despite all of our misgivings and arguments, I know he’s a good man.  He’d never cheat on me and he hasn’t.  I know he’ll take care of me and the house and all that other stuff I always hoped I’d find a man to take care of….and he has.  I keep remembering the promise he made that he was strong enough.  Except he wasn’t.  And here I am again.  Wandering how I’ll make it through.

What Death left behind

Selfish me aches just to know
those gravel roads still roll
under your old jeep
your beat up, grease covered hands on the wheel
but no.
YOU took that away
YOU held the gun
YOU left us all with no choice but to keep on living
while you
and now all I want to know
is WHY.
Death’s finality suffocates and we’re left
with so many wishes
and “if only’s”
and “what ifs”
always leading back to WHY.
Echos of loss piled on the unknown.
you’re really
no matter how many times I say it
my heart can’t seem to believe it

Anna K Peters…goodbye cowboy

Maybe Tomorrow

Savoring Time20 years from now
I can see us
I can see you
where you always are and where I know you’ll always be…
with me,
right by my side.
By then, the fault-line
between me and my sanity
will be gone.
But you’ll stay
ever intent
on finding me again.
Finding the “why” behind my mind, and
the “where” hiding where I’ve gone.
Having left you with a shell of me,
a sick joke, a trick…
In the morning you’ll come, your heart desperate to connect.
For a moment, your sweet lips will rest on mine,
imagining the warmth of my kiss,
the rapture of relief in what is known
and understood.
A bittersweet, split second dream
that always ends.
Tomorrow you’ll come again
and sit by my side.
You’ll take my hand
the ache of your broken heart
a roar in your head
and you’ll think, and hope, and plead with the silence
…maybe tomorrow… 

Anna K Peters